A change in trajectory

Last week I was reliquished from my position as a group fitness coordinator. I was only 4 months in, hard to tell what the real deep seated issue was but it is what it is. I doubt it was solely based on budget and I do believe there was a performance component involved. All the same, I got relieved of my position and the position was dissolved. I would like to think I lent some value to the position and was a positive force but I'm having a hard time believing that.

All the same, I am feeling low. Sick and tired. I had found a happy place, one where my confidence grew and I stood tall. One day I will get back there, it will take time.  Time of which I have little and need much.

That and I need a nap. I'm constantly in a need of a nap lately. So busy yet not doing.

Life lessons

Stop. Listen. Breathe. Act.
Four motions, four steps  that could really make my life easier. I know them, I created them for myself. So, why don't I use them? Many of the issues I have or encounter would have such different results if I just followed my own little template. I really wanted to be a manager, I will confess, and one of the main reasons is because I wanted my mom (and dad) to see what I do is legitimate. I'm not just playing in a gym. Another lesson there was, if I wanted others to take me seriously then I have to take myself seriously. Not in the way where I never smile but that there must be CONVICTION. Confidence helps with conviction, if you believe thoroughly in your cause whatever it might be then others will follow. So I have my cause, but I find myself lacking confidence and thus conviction which is bad. It means there is wavering confidence and people don't want to follow a wishy washy leader. I didn't want to be that leader. Or manager. But this week, I let my team and myself down. I didn't follow through, didn't stop to think, and I hurt those close to me.

Sometimes I feel like, I have this need to dig myself into holes before I can begin anything. Like I can't just star something and fgo from where I picked up. That I need to take steps backward before moving forward.

I started journaling in a cute teal book but my real aspiration is to blog. Everyone has to start somewhere, I write in bursts because of time and energy. It makes sense, to write you have to have interest, you have to have material and you have to have resources. There are many versions of that concept all over. Some days I have so. Any ideas they are like a flock of butterflies - light, splendid, prolific, and hard to catch. They flit and flutter away from me so quickly the I don't always cat h them and I am left empty handed.

Burnt Toast.

I feel like burnt toast. I'm tired, too long under the heat.

It's not like anyone hasn't noticed, it just takes the time to get the smell and realization of others to say "hey hit the button!"

Both sides, work and family are getting to me. I have nowhere to turn and nothing to do. So here I am.

Tired. Heated. and brittle.. crumbling with each little rub. It's a little too late and a little too much.

Wahts up Wdnesday?

I am dragging so bad today, can't tell if it is just overall fatigue or because I watched a show before bed or due to poor diet. Most likely all three, I got home super tired but wanted to unwind. Couldn't work up the muster to cook, I should have. Lesson learned.

I'm going to attempt replacing Facebook time with book time. Which means loading my tablet with a few staples. Training books mainly. I have forgotten my new years resolution already. Whoops.

I'm set to run a few races. Nice to have them bought and paid for, makes it easier to budget. Which the wedding will most likely put a strain on the budget, although my spending has been a little more than it should be so I can't really blame the wedding.

Looks like I need a life boot camp session.

Sleepless in a Chartruese Robe

I can't sleep. The bed was pre-warmed with the wonderful mattress warmer gifted by my parents as a hand-me-down. Q finally made it home and we got to have our ever religious "beer and pizza" night. Although, I enjoyed my pizza with a small serving of Chardonnay. I'm trying to cultivate a taste for wine. It may be slowly evolving, I can't really tell. I'm really a beer chic. 3 beers is good by me, after that it's just about getting drunk. Still young enough to make poor decisions, old enough to avoid making the life threatening or illegal ones at least.

So why can't I sleep? Discontent in the subliminal, you betcha. Not really the reason for my post though, at least not the intention. I just needed to redirect my thinking. While sitting in chartreuse fuzzy bathrobe, yes much like the one you are most likely imagining, hair tossled, glasses and slippers... you know the tan faux suede with fake fluff inside. They may sound/be cheap but they are by far the warmest and comfiest slippers I have had since I don't know when. You can keep yours, I'm sure your feet are cold too.

Speaking of slippers makes me wish for tea, and that wish is easily granted especially as chamomile tea is a wonderful thing for hapless people such as me (and you if you are reading this in the nocturnal hours). Going to put the kettle on...hang on one second. but only use your index and thumb ...


Alright, back again. You can let go now. Where were we? Oh yeah, sleepless in a bathrobe...ever wonder why it is when you go to bed at just the right time - it isn't like those other nights where you are going to bed an hour or two past the time you promised yourself so you could get that good nights rest because you have an early morning? That's usually what happens to me, I get distracted or to a place that I can't actually go to bed and then I miss that opportune bedtime but I can't make it up because my alarm is set to the mandatory latest time possible to roll over and face the cold, dark world of "too early to be human aka 4:30 am".

Here I sit, tea and bathrobe and slippers... and pinterest. Because when in doubt, Pinterest has the answer or is the answer. Care to see what I'm up to? Pop on over, you can find me at http://www.pinterest.com/alicia08/boards/
I'm off to the NeverNever Land of Late Night Pinterest.
Sweet Dreams!

Update

I have written the beginning of this post a couple of times. A lot has happened, so lets start at the beginning and try to see how it goes shall we?

Last fall, I became certified for Personal training and soon after landed a part-time gig. My current work situation was just not a good fit for me and I wanted more than training early in the mornings and a session at night. I started looking and with some encouraging from Q I looked into any openings in Milwaukee. BOOM! Came back with 3 options almost immediately and took one of them for full time. We moved to Milwaukee, which is not easy. I have been working but it doesn't seem to be that I am working hard enough as my full time status is being threatened to be cut back to part time. This could be perilous as I need the health benefits and I need the hours. Also, I am concerned that once I am bumped down to part time that I won't be able to come back to full time status or that they might just cut me or ... and this is the worse for me... I might have to quit.

So basically, my dream has also become a nightmare. Trust me I am none too happy and am concerned. However, sometimes these little growing pains are signals for change. Maybe this is actually a huge flashing red light and siren saying "WAKE UP! WAKE UP!" and that I need to grow some more even if it is unpleasant.

Pity party's are not pretty. Instead of cowering from obstacles, the best thing is to face them head on. A wise person once said,
"The answer is simple, 
the question is complicated."

My question of how do I keep my full time status has the potential to really become a twisted maze of guessing, self-doubt and anxiety. However, if I focus on what I know I need to do and not make excuses to avoid this nightmare. That is how I will conquer it.

Stressin'

I am definitely one of those type A people but I try to keep on the back burner. However, recently the smallest things have sent my blood boiling. I know why also. I am addicted to exercising. I have not gotten in my walks or elliptical circuits this whole week. This is mainly because I have been dosing myself with equal parts benadryl and hydrocortisone cream with a nightly ice pack lounge on the couch. This may sound strange but with a severe reaction to the lovely mosquito bites I got from a day/night out at the lake. It has taken time for me to recuperate which has led to noticeably higher levels of stress. I am very happy that my normal workout routine of evening walks can now be reinstated as of tomorrow. I did laundry and walked and danced today with minimal bite aggravation.

So word to the wise. Start rounds of ice packs, benadryl and bite cream "baths" sooner than as soon as possible to shorten the recuperation period and hopefully avoid unneeded stress.

(I'm stressing about doc visits - vision and girlie - along with the fact my absolute fav pair of jeans is gone for good. With a body like mine good jeans are like finding a needle in a haystack but ending in a very depressed me moping in front a ice-creamless freezer wishing it to appear.)